my blogging problem

I have a built-in resitance to blogging because, well, blogging is a very public enterprise and I have grown into a person who is, in general, quite private. I am pretty much an open book to my friends but I have reservations about airing my dirty laundry in a forum that anyone, and I mean anyone, can peruse at any time. Perhaps I am turning into Old Man. I am resitant to change, I am crabby and cantankerous. I do not embrace the MySpace generation ideal. I guess I prefer my shite to stay my shite.

(deep breath)

So, in an effort to grow a bit (I'm hoping that getting outside of my comfort zone will be a good thing), I have decided to share a bit of my shite with whoever happens to read it.

And away we go...

I'm a train wreck. A grease fire. To some, a lost cause.

As you may or may not know, I was in a rotten marriage, I got divorced and I no longer have custody of my children. Along the way, I was emotionally abused, I was emotionally abusive, and I lost a good deal of my self esteem.

I have retreated into a small world where I don't have to deal with much. I work, I go home, I read/watch movies/play video games/write (this rarely)/hide from the bulk of the world.

I, for a long while, hurt so badly that I barely functioned on an adult human level. When I started to realize that I was zombie-like, I had to apologize to my boss for mailing it in for several months. Luckily he's been divorced twice so he was understanding.

I have gotten into a comfort zone that doesn't allow for much emotion. Doesn't allow for social interaction outside of work. Doesn't allow me to grow at all. As a result, I have been bottling up all of my negative energy for years. I've found that I over-react to small things and I have the ability to explode over medium things. Luckily for me and everyone who knows me, I haven't had any big problems because then I'd be climbing the bell tower with a rifle. Har har.

All kidding aside, I have come to realize that I need to find a social life. I probably need to date someone and have someone to share good and bad things alike. What stops me from doing this is, because of the afore-mentioned divorce, I have grown bitter and cynical and wary of sharing. I have trust issues. I have commitment issues. I have people issues. And worstly, as a person who needs to heal, I have issues with anyone who wants to 'fix' me.

I had what I thought was a good first step to making a change in my life: I was going to move to Spokane. I was going to have to make new friends and accquaintences. But, unfortunately, the job didn't work out, so I stayed right here, resistant to change, and bitter about losing the opportunity.

So...

To whomever reads this, please have patience with me while I try to figure out how to become a functioning memeber of society again.

To all of my friends, you are few these days, but please know that you are important to me. I appreciate you more than I can say.

To all of the ladies in the world, I'm really not an evil dick. I can cook alright, your mom will like me, and I can almost watch chick flicks with interest and a straight face.

(another deep breath, and a small shudder)

Yeesh. I just re-read the above and have decided (against my better judgement) to not edit anything beyond minor grammar/spelling flaws. As I mentioned, I hope this is a positive step for me. I wish me luck.