I'm easily distracted by small, shiny objects.

There are a handful of things that have been distracting me from my Summer of 1000 Movies. Some of them are, in no particualar order:

A. The NBA Playoffs. Being a diehard Celtics fan (I inherited this love from my father who was a big Russell/Cousy fan) it's nice to have the C's back in the playoffs. They've stunk the joint out in recent years, so I make an effort to watch every one of their games in a lame attempt to make up for lost time.

B. A Song of Ice and Fire. George R. R. Martin's fantasy historical series is knockin' my socks off. I'm currently digesting book four...and that's a problem. There will be seven books in this series but only four have been published as yet. Five is out in September (allegedly, there have been delays before) and I'm about to pee my pants with excitement.

C. Work. Currently rockin' two jobs (the better to pay my bills with) and that takes a lot of time and effort. Luckily, on certain nights, I can read or watch movies while working at Hertz. Don't tell my boss.

But enough of my bellyachin'.

Bradley Bridget Jones Barrett update: I have lost another pound! Woo hoo! I've truly only put a half-hearted effort into my dieting, and I have yet to exercise in any meaningful way, but I've lost three pounds in three weeks. Current weight is 237.

And finally getting to my Summer of 1000 Movies, I watched a few good ones this week. In the order that I watched them...

4. A couple of months ago I got Sunshine from Netflix. I watched it and sat, stunned, in my chair letting my amazement settle. I then drove to the post office, mailed it back, and drove directly to Hastings to purchase my own copy. I then sat down and watched it again. So my buddy Larry (nee Jerry) was over and he'd not seen it so I made him watch it. It's the story of a future Earth, where the sun is dying and a space mission has been launched to reignite the sun thereby saving us humans from imminent death. Along the way the usual life or death situations occur. I have to say, that there was nothing wholly original about this movie (there's only so much you can do with a realistic-style space movie) but there are parts that exceed their grasp in an excellent way. The direction was strong, the writing economic and lively, and there was nary a bum note from the cast. Overall, one of the most well made, interesting, and entertaining movies I've had the pleasure to watch. A-.

5. Not to be on a mini sci-fi run, but I watched Alien for the first time in a bazillion years. I think the last time I watched this film it was a VHS copy. I remember really liking this one, but I'd forgotten many of the specifics. I'd also forgotten that Ian Holm (Bilbo Baggins from the Lord of the Rings trilogy) played science officer Ash. What a wonderful exercise in claustrophobic atmosphere and tension. And while set in space, this is really a horror film. A really well made horror film. I can't imagine that anyone who reads this will not be familiar with the plot, so I'll leave the summary to others. I love this film. It's one of the best of its kind. A.

6. I remember the first time I saw the Mel Gibson vehicle Payback. I thought it was fun, dark, and kind of odd. An intersting use of bad-guy-as-sympathetic-guy dynamics. I gave it three stars when I was filling out Netflix reviews. I found out recently that there was going to be a director's cut (seven years later!) and that because of studio interference during the intial production director Brian Helgeland was being given the opportunity to cut the film the way he originally intended. Ugh. What folly. After noticing a different variation of the opening, the only thing that was improved upon was the score. I'm not kidding. Most of the movie was either unchanged or not changed enough that I noticed. But the real problem was the ending. While the earlier version had a sense of fun and dark humor, the director's version was overly simple and humorless. Bleck. If you feel a burning need in your loins to see this movie, get the version originally released and not the directors cut. Original version C+, directors cut D-.


7. Watched a delightful horror/black comedy movie called Severance yesterday. It's about a sales team for a weapons manufacturing company embarking on a "team building" weekend in the Hungarian wilderness. Yeah, kinda goofy, but in this case it works just fine. As the team arrives in the woods, things begin to go awry, and then they start getting picked off, as you'd imagine, one by one. Some excellent British humor moments that had me laughing my proverbial knickers off, some well done jump-scares (one even made me slosh my cereal all over my lap), and some gore/boobs/satisfaction-when-the-dumbass-dies moments. Not art, but fun and etertaining. B-.

That's all for now. Buh bye.

Help me Obi Wan, you're my only hope...

So I've got a minor dilemma with my Summer of 1000 Movies. How to count TV series? Here's how I see it and I'd like a little input from those of you who would be so kind.
Say, for example, that Deadwood Season One is twelve episodes long. I propose that if I were to watch it (again) that I would count every two hours as one movies worth of viewing, thus Deadwood S1, watched in its entirety, would count as six movies.
A friend of mine has said that this is the wrong way to approach it. He opines that one season of a show should count as one movie. Maybe I'm just selfish with my time, but that seems unreasonable. I get his point; that one season has one overreaching arc (presumably), and as such should be counted as one story, one movie.
I will, for the time being, count every two hours of TV as one movie, until such time as someone suggests something that makes more sense.
Any suggestions, fellow movie buffs? Am I on the right track here? Lemme know, please.

What I did for my summer vacation...in the future!

Last summer I had a wonderful idea. I would watch 100 movies and then blog about them. Long story short, life intervened and I had to put the idea on the backburner.
So.
Here I am, thinking it would be a good idea to do it again. Thus without further ado, I welcome you to...

SUMMER OF 1000 MOVIES! (during which I will, in actuality, watch 100 movies.)

I'm thinking I will cheat a smidge and include Monsturd, which I have already blogged about, because, really, I can't think of a better movie to begin a list of 100 movies than one that 'stars' a human-sized poop monster. It was not good, in fact I'll give it a generous D-.

Watched David Fincher's Zodiac and was mildly entertained/disappointed. I've dug most of Fincher's work and I wanted to enjoy this as well, but mostly I just shrug at it. The biggest problem, I suppose, is that I already knew that the Zodiac Killer was never caught, so that element of tension fell flat. Also, I had read the book that the movie was based on, so there were really no surprises to be found. This film reminded me of a Ron Howard production: well assembled, technically sound, and no soul whatsoever. Robert Downey, Jr. was very good, as was the rest of the cast, but there was no spark for me. A well made disappointment receives a C+.

As a fan of Donnie Darko, (the original release, not the director's cut) I had high hopes for writer/director Richard Kelly's next movie, Southland Tales. Sure I had read about the production issues, how it flopped so bad at Cannes that Kelly had to return to the cutting room for a thousand years to fix it, but how bad could it be, really? Weeelll, it pains me to say it, because I wanted to like it, but it's maybe one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The story was convoluted, the plot (some nincompoopery about world domination, the fourth dimenison, politics) was insipid and just...not really there, the acting was mediocre at best. Here's how I see it: Remember Princess Bride? Then remember how Rob Reiner tried to recapture that vibe, the silly/serious, almost a parody of a parody style in North only to fail spectacularly? Now think of Repo Man (if you haven't seen it you should, and this comparison might be lost on you) and remember the sense of whimsy it had while being totally serious while being completely absurd while being (most importantly) fun and entertaining. Southland Tales tried to find a vibe like this and failed impressively. So, yeah I just compared The Princess Bride to Repo Man and North to Southland Tales. Shame on you Richard Kelly. You get a big fat F.

So, for the record, ths Summer of a Thousand Movies begins like this:

1. Monsturd D-
2. Zodiac C+
3. Southland Tales F

Please discuss. Thanks you.

All is well in the universe.

Finally I have resolution with the Bank of America. It only took about a month but we both seem happy with the results of our efforts to return my bank account to normal after some dickweed stole my debit card number. It took them 20 days to get me a new debit card, however, and that sucks. But now I have it and I can spend my money again. Wheeee!

Bradley 'Bridget Jones' Barrett weight loss update: after 15 days of half-assed dieting and really no exercise at all (I've been busy/lazy) I have lost 2 pounds. 238 and counting. It's amazing what losing a few pounds will do for one's self esteem. I'm walkin' around like I'm Tyler freakin' Durden or something. Weird.

Finally started recieving Netflix movies again and I got the no-budget 'horror' flick Monsturd. Having read that it cost $3000.00 to make, and after reviewing the synopsis (serial killer escapes jail, falls into chemically altered sewer thus becoming a poop monster) I was sure that this movie would suck, but it seemed that it would be fun. Well I was half right. It did suck but it was not fun at all. I couldn't even finish it. After about half an hour (an Herculean effort) I started searching forward to see if there were any boobs or 'sploshuns, but nope, it just sucked. On a related note, is there a phrase or term for the act of searching forward just to see if there's boobs? I respectfully submit 'fast-pornwarding'. On another related note I've realized that I use 'crap', 'poop', or derivitaves thereof for many of my critiques. I avoided them here because I didn't want to say "Monsturd was a pile of crap", or "Monsturd was a real stinker" and therefore be Mr. Punny Pants.

I went car shopping and almost threw up. I talked to a guy whose nickname is 'Lumpy' and he seemed cool but the process of buying a car makes me queasy. I found a few cars I liked but I've had the same car for almost 12 years and it's hard for me to comprehend a car payment again. I didn't even come close to buying anything. Ugh. More on this as it develops.

I would write more now, but my laundry calls.

Laters

a veritable pot pourri of random, trivial, um, stuff. And stuff.

The name is Jones, Bridget Jones.
My boss and I are having a wager to see who can lose fifteen pounds first. We picked a weigh-in time and went down to the airlines fancy baggage scales for the dirty deed. I weighed (ahem) 240 pounds. Mind you this was fully clothed, and soon after lunch where I had consumed a footlong Subway meatball sandwich and a 32oz Diet Coke (perhaps this is a symptom of my waistline) so I had a few extra pounds on me. I say this like 238 pounds is skinny or something. My boss weighed 224 pounds so when I lose my 15 he'll still be skinnier than me even if he loses nothing. Sigh. I'll keep you all posted on my exercise/denial of decent food.
Oh, and the wager? the winner will receive a free all you can eat buffet. We're geniuses.

Watched two movies the other night. The Mist and Zorro, The Gay Blade.
Had never read the Stephen King book, so I was pleasantly surprised by the very sad and ironic ending. I took delight in recognizing several B-movie people in their roles (most of them are of the variety of "Hey, it's that guy!", but it was also good to see William Sadler, even if he's aging a lot and thereby reminding me that I am also) and the effects were bueno. Frank Darabont seems to have been born to adapt King's work, and the guy who played Ollie stole the show. I'll give this one a solid B.
As for Zorro, when I was 10 or 11, my family happened to be in Salt Lake on the 24th of July and we were attending the stupid parade (I will contest that all parades are stupid) and were given stickers or fliers or something promoting Zorro, The Gay Blade. I was too young and it was a different era and I didn't get the 'gay' joke. I went to the movie when it came out in the theater and I remember enjoying it. It goes like this...George Hamilton plays Don Diego Vega (and there is a running joke that he mis-pronounces things Clouseau-style) and his father passes away. He soon discovers that his father was Zorro. Hamilton embraces his destiny and becomes Zorro. Unfortunately an accident leaves him with a broken ankle so he cannot resume his Zorro duties. Enter his long-absent twin brother who, it turnes out, is gay and has changed his name to Bunny Wigglesworth. He doesn't think the traditional Zorro outfit has enough flair so he makes his own of plum, green, gold, maroon, and even goes so far as to put tassles on the brim of his sombrero. He also favors the whip over the sword. The choreography is mired in a low-budget hell, and the action sequences are just plain laughable. Fast forward 26 years, however, and it's still a pleasant movie. If you can be entertained by George Hamilton's wide-eyed-buffoon shtick you'll probably like this. It's light, amusing, doesn't take much effort (other than ignoring Lauren Hutton's, er, acting) and it's fun. As a 'film' it doesn't rate too high, but as a lark, it's fun. I'll give it a generous B-.

June 1st is the premiere date of the third season of the Venture Bros. on Adult Swim. Originally set to come out in March, the lame-o writers strike slowed production and pushed it back a few months. Nearly every day I look at the calendar and sigh like some Jane Austen chick. Soon, I think, all will be well in the world. When I can look upon the tight shirts and blond mullet of the Swedish Murder Machine, Brock Sampson, all will be well. When I can hear the dulcet tones of Dr. Girlfriend, all will be well. When I can hear the inane rhetoric of Dean and Hank v.15.0, all will be well. Sigh. Can't this calendar move any faster?

I'm going to buy a new car soon. I hate this. Not because I've grown attached to my car, no, I hate my car, but because cars cost a lot and I'm inherently cheap. Ugh. 10-year-old cars with more mileage than Pam Anderson cost 9 grand and they look like the BluesMobile after its arrival at the Cook County Courthouse. At this point I only have one rule for my shopping: No Ford Tauruses. If I buy another one of these peesashit cars I fully give anyone who reads this full permission to throw me into the trunk with a hung-over Don Rickles and sink the car into the Mariana Trench.

Baseball season has begun! And the Mets stink. Sigh.

God bless Netflix. Because my account with them was tied to my stolen debit card number, I suspended my account (which was supremely easy) and after I reinstate my account I will receive a movie called Monsturd. Hooray for them carrying low-budget and no-budget fare to go along with their forty million copies of Transformers and Bring it On: In It To Win It. I have yet to search for a movie that they don't carry. Even some Argentine zombie movie called Plaga Zombie.

All right, that's enough for now. I really should be working.