My midlife crisis can't come soon enough.

So I mentioned in this blog a few months back that I was looking into buying a new car. Since my credit stinks, I knew it wouldn't be a new-new car, but a new-to-me car. I had, I'm sure you'll recall, only one stipulation: No Ford Tauruses. I've had my 1996 Taurus for 12 years and, while it's served me (mostly) faithfully, I wanted something a bit flashier. Something fun, you know, for the ladies.

So (long story short) My Mom bought a new car from my sister's husbands company. I flew to Phoenix to pick it up and drive it back to Idaho. My Mom gets a new grandma car, and I bought her 1996 Mercury Sable, the nearly identical twin (although slightly fancier) to the Taurus. Guh. So I kept my ideal alive: I didn't get a Taurus. I got it's cousin that has leather trimmed interior.

Someday soon when I reach the magical milestone of 40 and I start my midlife crisis, I'll maybe move up to a Buick LeSabre or a Crown Victoia. Kill me.

A few random things from my 2 day, 2000 mile journey:

America is illiterate. I saw a car that was "4 sell", and another, apparently desperate owner who was "moving must sale".

I reignited my one-sided, unreqited crush on Neko Case. I listened to her album "Blacklisted" about 1000 times, confident that one day, she will be mine, oh yes, she will be mine.

Living in Idaho sometimes makes me definitely want to kill myself. I passed a billboard outside of Preston hawking Spudfest 2008. You know Spudfest... Dawn Wells' family oriented movie festival held in Driggs each summer? This year they're celebrating Elvis and they have a horrible potato-as-fat Elvis singing "Love me tater...". Seriously, Napoleon Dynamite, racist militia dicks, Larry Craig, these aren't enough to shame us so we need recently pot-busted Mary Ann to have a friggin' Elivs potato butchering one of the best all time songs to shamelessly plug her crappy-ass festival? I will move away soon. I promise.


Sigh. This makes me wonder if Tina Louise or Danny Bonaduce are going to try to sell me crack this weekend.

vive la difference!

I watched two movies on Thursday and they could not have been more different.



First up, The Orphanage. A well thought out, deliberate, and very scary movie that gave me the chills, the willies (or as my friend Jon Rex used to say) the Williams, and an ending that toyed with my emotions and won. I started and stopped this movie three times so I could get my adrenaline down. I was literally watching through my fingers while curled up in a ball.
It's the story of a lady who grew up in an orphangage (duh) and now, as an adult, her and her husband and adopted son purchase the orphanage so she can continue to help children. From there it turns into a sublime, skin-crawling haunting. I seriously got goosebumps many, many times.
Well done all around. A-.



Second, we have a Japanese gore-fest called The Machine Girl. It was awful and I loved every second of it. A girl gets her arm cut off (and her brother killed) by Ninja mafia dicks, so she has a mechanic craft a machine gun for her arm (a la Planet Terror and Rose McGowan's leg) so she can exact her revenge. One of the most disgusting movies I've seen in awhile. There's even a mafia lady with a drill bra. Yes, you read that right. Not for the squeamish. Utter crap. But enjoyable crap. C+

lazy days

This summer hasn't been real great for me to have lazy days. I love lazy summer days; the BBQ's, golf, summer movies, etc. I haven't played golf yet (had a nice golf day scheduled last week, but my allergies reared their ugly head, and I was unable to go), only grilled once, and have only seen a few summer movies in the theater. My work schedule hasn't helped, in fact, it's kinda hurt my chances for lazy fun.
However...
This week (and next week) I will have conIsecutive days off and I plan on being as lazy as I can get away with.
Yesterday was a three movie day. I haven't done that in a long time. Yay me.
Here's how it goes:
I really wanted to like Be Kind Rewind, but it just wasn't that good. Wonderful premise, bad execution. Lots of good ideas that never came to fruition. Liked the first 40 minutes a lot, wanted my money back after it was all over. D+.



Watched the Bourne Ultimatum again and loved it again. One of the best action movies ever, it's the best of the three in the Bourne series, and it's probably more responisible for the re-boot of the 007 franchise than anything else. A.



I watched Top Secret for the first time in a bazillion years. I was reminded of it when I read an article at empireonline.com wondering why it is a forgotten member of the spoof family. I went and bought it (yay Hastings discount, it was only $5.48!) and laughed my ass off again. Not as good at Airplane, but better than Hot Shots or any of the current pap calling itself a spoof movie (this means you, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, Scary Movie, etc.) B.



1. Monsturd D-
2. Zodiac C+
3. Southland Tales F
4. Sunshine A-
5. Alien A
6. Payback (director's cut) D-
7. Severance B-
8. Hellboy C+
9. Night of the Hunter D---
10. Sanjuro B+
11. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians F, MST3K version B+
12. Hellboy: Sword of Storms C-
13. The Thing From Another World B-
14. the Maltese Falcon B-
15. the Big Sleep B
16. Blacula D
17. Scream, Blacula, Scream D+
18. Cloverfield B
19. Domino C+
20. Get Smart B-
21. the Changeling in memory B+, in reality C-
22. the Lady in the Lake F
23. Hellboy II The Golden Army B
24. Pirates of the Carribean at World's End C-
25. Be Kind Rewind D+
26. Bourne Ultimatum A
27. Top Secret B

sorrysorrysorrysorry...what can I say? I suck.

So I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm sorry, get over it, and let's start anew, shall we?

Instead of trying to play catch up, and attempting to fit a month's worth of shite into this blog, I'll give you a quick and abbreviated summary. It goes a little something like this...

I've worked a lot (a whole lot) in the last month, I've watched a few movies and my allergies are kickin' my buttocks. Bleh. Here's the updated version of my Summer of 1000 Movies list:

1. Monsturd D-
2. Zodiac C+
3. Southland Tales F
4. Sunshine A-
5. Alien A
6. Payback (director's cut) D-
7. Severance B-
8. Hellboy C+
9. Night of the Hunter D---
10. Sanjuro B+
11. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians F, MST3K version B+
12. Hellboy: Sword of Storms C-
13. The Thing From Another World B-
14. the Maltese Falcon B-
15. the Big Sleep B
16. Blacula D
17. Scream, Blacula, Scream D+
18. Cloverfield B
19. Domino C+
20. Get Smart B-
21. the Changeling in memory B+, in reality C-
22. the Lady in the Lake F
23. Hellboy II The Golden Army B
24. Pirates of the Carribean at World's End C-

If you have any questions about specific movies that I haven't reviewed yet, ask and I'll give you my thoughts. Right now I'm at work and I'm not in the mood to write a whole bunch.

And on that note...

Later days
B-Rad

Somedays my job is cool

One of my favorite things about my job is the vast cornucopia of people that wander through the airport on their way to somewhere. I like to people watch. People are an endless font of quirky eccentricities. For example...
Today I saw a middle-aged lady wearing two fanny packs. Yep, tee double-you oh, two. She had them both on her front, all snug up against each other. One was the traditional black nylon, and the other was a heavy fabric-lookin' one with a southwest motiff.
I tried in vain to get my bag (not, in fact, a fanny pack, but a stlyish messenger bag; its official color is Ron Burgundy), wrangle out my celly and surreptitiously take a picture, but she was too fast. Or I was too slow. Whatever.
Sigh.

I'm not what you would call a 'Trekkie', but this is cool...

Nuff said.

Holy crap...

...did I only post three times in May? Sorry to both of you who read this. I've been busy with (don't laugh) Halo 3. It's awesome. Great story, graphics, gameplay, I give it an A.



Anyway...Bridget Bradley Barrett Jones is happy because I've lost six pounds overall (and this without trying nearly as hard as I should have) and I'm down to 234. Wheee!

I have managed to squeeze a few movies into my days and it goes a little somethin' like this:

Sanjuro is Akira Kurosawa's sequel to Yojimbo (Yojimbo being one of my favorite all time movies) and it's really good. It's not as dark tonally as Yojimbo, but it's quite entertaining, moves briskly, and is beautifully shot. But, like most sequels, just doesn't quite live up to the first installment. The wife of the captured offical is transcendant. I'll give it a B+.



My friend Larry (nee Jerry) had never seen the MST3K version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, so I made him watch it. Easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen, but equally good treatment at the hands of Joel and the 'bots. Gems include a great Invention Exchange that includes the Road House board game, Crow's new Christmas carol "A Patrick Swayze Christmas", and Gypsy's Mr. Mashed Potato Head. The original movie gets a big fat F, but the MST3K version gets a B+



I watched an animated Hellboy movie called Hellboy: Sword of Storms. Meh. Not bad, not great, just kind of gets a shrug, y'know? The best part is that all of the same actors from the movie did the voices. The animation was pretty good, but, well, meh. C-.



I also watched The Thing From Another World, the Howard Hawks production of an alien being unearthed near the North Pole and the suspense and terror that ensues. This movie was remade in the 80's by John Carpenter with Kurt Russell as MacReady in the more simply titled, The Thing. The latter is one of my favorite horror movies, while the former was pleasantly surprising. I figured the original would be not so good, but I was wrong. If you can overlook the Hawks' trademark snappy banter, it's a well done exercise in atmosphere, philosophy, and dread. Carpenter's remake discarded the philosophy and concentrated more on claustrophobia, gore, and terror. The Thing From Another World gets a B-.



The list so far:
1. Monsturd D-
2. Zodiac C+
3. Southland Tales F
4. Sunshine A-
5. Alien A
6. Payback (director's cut) D-
7. Severance B-
8. Hellboy C+
9. Night of the Hunter D---
10. Sanjuro B+
11. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians F, MST3K version B+
12. Hellboy: Sword of Storms C-
13. The Thing From Another World B-

P.S. Ya'll know I'm gonna have to watch this...



...right?